Bullying and Cyber Bullying - Advice on How to Handle It...

As recent headlines illustrate, Bullying is no longer simply a big kid pushing his weight around on the local playground. We've seen that sometimes the physical assault has been replaced by a 24 hours per day, seven days a week online bashing. Bullies are using Instant Messaging, e-mails, chat rooms and websites they create to humiliate a peer. In years past, a parent may have had a clue that their child was being harassed by seeing the tell-tale physical signs of bullying-a black eye, bloody lip, torn clothes. But the damage done by cyber bullies is no less real, and can be infinitely more painful.

Bullying is a behavior that people learn, and usually involves three individuals or groups:

• the person who bullies
• the victim and
• the bystander.

It is a repeated, aggressive behavior towards one person from another person or group of people--and it is hurtful. It might be pushing, shoving, hitting, threatening, name-calling, shunning, lunch-stealing, and gossiping.

Why Do People Bully?

• People bully to have power and control over others
• People bully because they think it makes them important, it doesn't, it just makes them mean.
• People bully because they think they can get what they want by bullying others
• People who bully do it because they have learned this from others, and may be victims of bullying themselves

People who bully use "differences" to make victims feel badly about themselves, such as; "You're ugly, stupid" etc. as an excuse for their bad behavior. But it's not the 'difference' in the victim that's the problem. Often, it's the people who bully who have the problem because they are afraid, jealous, envious, cruel, angry, insecure, and unhappy. The victims of being bullied, just like victims of domestic violence or rape, often blame themselves for the actions of the bully. It is vital that the individual being bullied is taught not to blame themselves; they do not deserve this abuse. In addition they should be educated as to why someone becomes a bully.

Where Do Adults Come in?

This is where parents, teachers, and professionals come in. Parents and professionals should be using this as a time to reinforce that it's our "differences" that makes each of us special and unique. Individuals should be proud of who they are, and not to let others take away their unique qualities.

Parents and teachers should use various opportunities to educate their children and teens about bullying and cyber-bullying and what to do if they become a victim. They should always be encouraged to speak to an adult as soon as they can. Families need to talk, even role-play, to give the child a better understanding of how to address their concerns. But most importantly, adults need to keep communication open. Bullies win when the victim has no one to talk to, no where to turn. It is also important for them to be able to relay information back to an adult.

What do we say? What do we ask?

Below are some suggested questions, ways to initiate a conversation, to help a child process and think through how to handle bullying:

• What happened to you? and What did you do about it?
• Who bullied you? and Who saw it happen?
• Where did it happen? and How often it happened?
• Write down everything that happened to you. Don't forget to write about things that other kids and grown-ups did for you.
• What help might have been available? Talk to a teacher. It's their job to stop the bullying. If you are scared, then take a friend along. Tell your teacher when the bully is not around. If you can't tell them in person, then write a note.
• See your doctor or school nurse. Ask them to write down any scrapes or bruises and show it to an adult.

Bullying has been occurring since schools began, unfortunately the community has let some of our children down by minimizing its effects on children being bullied, and even not believing what they have reported. It is extremely important that if a child or adolescent comes to you and says they are bullied that they are listened to and more action is warranted.

Friends can help too

Your child should also be able to be a friend if they are witnessing someone else being bullied. Here are some ways:

•  Be a friend to the child being bullied. Ask them to tell a grown-up. Go with them if they're afraid.
• Believe the child when he or she reports being bullied and listen to what they say.
• Tell someone if you see someone being bullied. Telling is not tattling! If you're scared of the people who are bullying, then don't let them know you told.
• Find help from teachers, parents, friends, or other grown-ups.
• Don't stand back, stand up. If you're standing around watching, you're part of the problem not the solution.
• Don't fight the bully. It's not safe. Go and tell an adult instead.
• Walk up to and away with the person being bullied, without looking at the people who are bullying others. Don't make them feel important by paying attention to them. When you ignore bullies, you take away their power.
• Don't join in. Don't call kids names or pick on them. People who bully try to get other kids to join in.
• Don't give bullies an audience. People who bully like to look tough in front of others, so they almost always have an audience when they are being mean.

Now a few thoughts about CYBER BULLYING

Cyber bullying is the term used for the new, and growing, practice of using technology (internet, interactive and digital technologies or mobile phones) to harass, or bully, someone else. Bullies used to be restricted to methods such as physical intimidation, postal mail, or the telephone. Now, developments in electronic media offer forums such as email, instant messaging, web pages, and digital photos to add to the arsenal. Computers, cell phones, and PDAs are new tools that can be applied to an old practice.

Forms of cyber bullying can range in severity from cruel or embarrassing rumors to threats, harassment, or stalking. It can affect any age group; however, teenagers and young adults are common victims, and cyber bullying is a growing problem in schools. Many cases of Cyber Bullying have lead to youth suicide.

There are two kinds of cyber bullying, direct attacks (messages sent to your kids directly) and cyber bullying by proxy (using others to help cyber bully the victim, either with or without the accomplice's knowledge). Because cyber bullying by proxy often gets adults involved in the harassment, it is much more dangerous.

Methods of Direct Attack include

1. Instant Messaging/Text Messaging Harassment
2. Stealing Passwords
3. Blogs
4. Sending Pictures through E-mail and Cell Phones
5. Interactive Gaming
6. Sending Malicious Code
7. Web Sites
8. Internet Polling
9. Sending Porn and Other Junk E-Mail and IMs
10. Impersonation

Cyber bullying is different from other forms of bullying in a number of ways. While bullying is something that is often under the radar screen of adults, cyber bullying is even more so as today's youth, a group that I have dubbed the "Always On 24/7"generation, feel it most often and most intensely. This generation is increasingly communicating in ways that are often unknown by adults and away from their supervision. Cyber bullying is also different in that it is a particularly cowardly form of bullying, done from the distance and relative safety of a computer keyboard. Cyber bullies can more easily hide behind the anonymity that the Internet can provide. Furthermore, Cyber bullies can communicate their hurtful messages to a very wide audience with immediate results.

They do not have to "own" their actions, as it is usually very difficult to identify cyber bullies, so they do not fear being punished for their actions.

Currently in Massachusetts, Cyber bullying is often outside of the legal reach of schools and school boards as this behavior often happens outside of school on home computers or via mobile phones. However there is legislation pending in the State House.

Victims of bullying are often fearful of telling others about being bullied because they fear that the bullying may actually become worse if they tell. Victims of cyber bullying are often also afraid to report to adults about being cyber bullied, as they also fear that adults will over-react and take away their mobile phone, computer and/or Internet access. This is something that is increasingly unthinkable for this generation as not being online means not being able to socialize or communicate with their peers, and this fear of exclusion is paramount in the lives of most adolescents and teens.

In most cases, cyber bullies know their victims, but their victims may not know their Cyber bullies, the aggressors may or may not bully their victims through physical, verbal, emotional or psychological means that are more easily identified.

With the advent of mobile, wireless Internet access, communications have become more ubiquitous. As a result, Cyber bullying can happen any time and any place and for many children, home is no longer a refuge from negative peer pressure such as bullying.

What if your child is a bully, some useful tips:

If you find that your child is bullying others, you will need to become involved and actively stop this behavior. Here are several steps you can take:

• Make it clear to your child that you take bullying seriously and that you will not tolerate his or her behavior.
• Develop clear and consistent rules within your family for your children's behavior.
• Praise and reinforce your children for following rules and use non-physical, non-hostile consequences for rule violations.
• Spend more time with your child and carefully supervise and monitor his or her activities. Find out who your child's friends are, and how and where they spend free time.
• Build on your child's strengths and talents by encouraging him or her to get involved in pro-social activities (such as clubs, music lessons, non-violent sports).
• Share your concerns with your child's teacher, counselor, and/or principal. Work together to send clear messages to your child that the bullying must stop.
• If you and/or your child need additional help, talk with a school counselor and/or mental health professional.
• If you do not know where you to get advice or you are unsure about the advice you receive speak to your child's physician.

Here are some more things you should know about Cyber Bullying

Some Cyber Bullying Statistics :

•  42% of kids have been bullied while online. 1 in 4 have had it happen more than once.
•  35% of kids have been threatened online. Nearly 1 in 5 have had it happen more than once.
•  21% of kids have received mean or threatening e-mail or other messages.
•  58% of kids admit someone has said mean or hurtful things to them online. More than 4 out of 10 say it has happened more than once.
•  53% of kids admit having said something mean or hurtful to another person online. More than 1 in 3 have done it more than once.
•  58% have not told their parents or an adult about something mean or hurtful that happened to them online.
  Based on 2004 i-SAFE survey of 1,500 students grades 4-8

Like all other bullying, Cyber Bullying can only harm children when it stays under-cover. When it is out in the open and especially when responsible adults- parents, teachers and friends take an active role in children's lives, Cyber Bullying can be stopped, and the harm it has caused, can be ended.

Adults, it is not prying to know what your children are up to when they are on-line, it may save their lives.

Bullying and cyber bullying is a community problem reaching across the world. Parents or guardians need to be an active participant in helping to decrease this epidemic.